


Phosphenes

by Sleepless_Malice



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Accidental Kissing, Confused Yuri, Day 2, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, a story featuring:, and, attentive JJ, pliroyweek, pliroyweek2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-26 22:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9923984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepless_Malice/pseuds/Sleepless_Malice
Summary: After the disaster of Vancouver Olympics, Yuri finds comfort in the arms of the one he proclaims to hate most.Phosphenes (n.)The stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes





	

**Author's Note:**

> 0\. written for the pliroyweek on tumblr, day 2 "self-confidence" - thx @the mods for organizing this event :) 1. I wrote this for the simple reason because I need more attentive JJ in my life and I am a self-indulgent writer + a sucker for h/c - bear with me. 2. The idea didn't leave me for an entire week. 3. I have no regrets. 4. Also: Yuri in maple sweaters is my kink. 5. No regrets for that, either.

**Phosphenes**

*

  _And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it._

R. Dahl

 *

 

The shooting star which had risen high across the skating horizon last year came crashing down on earth with full force.

 **Cup of China:** 4 th place

 **NHK Trophy:** 5 th place

 **Vancouver Olympics:** 6 th place after the short program.

Could it get any worse?

 

*

Yuri had to run, had to get away from the cheering crowds that weren’t cheering for him after ruining his free skate program with three falls in a row. If he could save the 6th place he’d be lucky; he didn’t think he could. Reporters surrounded him, cameras fired their flashes in his direction and somewhere he heard Yuri’s Angels crying. In one ear rang Lilia’s voice, in the other it was Yakov. He had to get away from them; from those idiots flirting with each other at the rink, too; from JJ who performed better than ever in his home country. With the first opportunity presenting itself, Yuri disappeared, ignoring the furious shouts trailing after him.

The ranking after the short program was:

 **1 st **\- Jean-Jacques Leroy

 **2 nd** \- Victor Nikiforov

 **3 rd** \- Yuri Katsuki

If that was the final ranking after the free skate, Yuri didn’t know, and cared less.  

 

*

The underground of Vancouver’s ice-dome was endless – a massive labyrinth of hallways with doors leading just to another hallway, with even more doors. Yuri ran into the opposite direction to where the dressing room assigned to the Russian athletes was located, winding his way far into the heart of the maze. As he ran, the voices and shouts became distant, nothing more than surreal flitters of murmur, until they subsided completely. All around him was eerily silent, but not in a good way. Yuri was so angry with himself that his ears were ringing, so disappointed that he was almost dizzy with it, leaning against the wall of the corridor to take a few breaths, before he continued to run.

Yuri tried the first door he came across – locked. The next one – too. It was the third which yielded to Yuri’s hand. There were lockers inside the room, a mirror, and a couple of stupid Canadian flags. Perhaps it should have startled him and let him overthink his choices but it didn’t. How so, when every spot in this god-damn country seemed to be decorated with red maple leaves on white ground these days. It was normal. And for that simple fact he hated it. All the more as the fucking maple leaf reminded him of JJ all the fucking time.

He sat down on the floor, as far away from the door as possible, his knees tucked under his chin, with the tiger plushy pressed tightly against his chest. Not even that one could offer any comfort today; tears streamed down his face no matter how often he tried to wipe them away with the end of his sleeves they kept coming; kept coming still when he contently rocked his body back and forth. Yuri still wore his skating costume, with the jumper of the Russian team over it, both not really warm. If he was trembling from the cold or if the sobs shook his body, Yuri couldn’t tell nor could he bring himself to care. He didn’t fight the tremors that shook him, either, having learned the hard way that fighting them only made it worse. He glowered at the door, fingers curled childlike into fists as frustrated tears streamed down his cheeks.

Sobs easily turned into helpless cries as time became an endless blur around him, spent in contemplation about his problems; they were countless, ranging from growing too fast, to overwhelming anxiety attacks which left him restless for days to see love all around him when he was so terribly lonely. In this moment, Yuri felt like dying, having not a glimpse of strength or inspiration left.

 

*

Minutes had easily blended into half an hour without Yuri even bothering to control his emotions, something with which he had always struggled, although usually it were different emotions entirely: angry and rude, often outright hurtful towards those he loved to insult. The cheerful humming in the corridor went completely unnoticed by Yuri, drowned out by those heartbreaking sobs of helpless misery. Not a moment later, the door to the room where he was hiding flew open, and JJ burst through it with his fucking smile on his fucking face.

Gold, thought Yuri, before shouting at him with his tear-stricken voice. “Get out you asshole!”

Of all people, JJ – smiling, humming, good-humored JJ was the one he least wished to deal with right now. Phichit would leave him be after a while, so probably would Chris. About Victor he wasn’t so certain. Well, for JJ – needless to say, JJ didn’t leave him be. Instead JJ closed the door behind him, locking it from inside.

“Yura,” he said, trying to add something, which drowned in Yuri’s furious yells

“Get out!” Yuri shrieked, then glowered in JJ’s direction, throwing the tiger plushy he had been holding onto all the while right into JJ’s face. “Get the fuck out!”

JJ tried to catch Yuri’s gaze but Yuri refused to meet his eyes, looking away as soon as he noticed. Instead he buried his face in his hands again. To have his worst enemy witness his mental breakdown, JJ seeing him like this in all the helpless misery just made everything worse for Yuri: to admit that much – well, no, basically all of it: the Russian tiger image, being strong, fear- and reckless, was a carefully woven façade to protect the kitten he truly was proved yet another tremor, which shook Yuri’s body.

JJ didn’t move an inch, only bending down to lift the tiger up from the floor. “You may not have noticed it, Plisetsky, but you ended up in my changing room.”

 _Fuck!_ Yuri didn’t say that, contemplating his bad luck. Whatever could go wrong, actually did go wrong today.

JJ took advantage of Yuri’s momentary distraction and stepped forward, stopping right in front of him, shuffling his feet in a way Yuri had not seen him doing it, before he gave Yuri a smile and offered the plushy back.

Yuri looked startled at him, then glaring, snatching the tiger out of JJ’s hand, pressing it towards his chest where it had been before. “Get your stuff and leave me be!”

For a second there was silence, on both sides, each of them looking startled at the other in surprising insecurity. “Nobody should be alone in such a state,” JJ finally said, squatting down in front of Yuri so that they were on eye level. There was some truth in JJ’s words, Yuri figured, but didn’t say it. Agreeing to something JJ said was – still – simply beyond the imaginable, no matter how true it might be. Yet still, the sincerity in JJ’s word struck him almost physically. What game was JJ playing, he kept wondering, and more importantly: why did he play it? Was one victory for the night not enough?

“Remember last year, Yuri?” JJ asked rhetorically, shifting his body awkwardly until he was able to sit down beside Yuri, his back leaning against the row of lockers. Gods, he was so persistently annoying, Yuri thought, edging away from the arm, which touched his own. “When I performed so badly in both of my programs when it mattered most? If it hadn’t been for all those who still supported me afterwards, I wouldn’t be where I am now – again.”

“I’m not you,” Yuri sneered derisively, feeling envious. JJ had friends, had a loving family who always supported him, has had a wonderful fiancé at that time. Basically just everything Yuri lacked in his life, all he dreamt of during those lonely nights.

“This doesn’t mean you don’t need it,” stated JJ, placing his arm casually on Yuri’s shoulders in a way Yuri never would – or could. He envied that, too, wondering how JJ could be so quick, so casual in his touches, giving affection even to those that did not matter to him.

Yuri had always been desperate for attention, having it rubbed right into his face by JJ however was completely unnecessary. “You can’t be serious,” Yuri snapped in the process of forcing out yet another hidden insult, face grimacing just to keep pretending to be somebody he was not, now less than ever. “Your arrogance is even worse than I assumed when you truly think you’re the one to comfort me.” The words showed little effect as JJ’s arm remained exactly where it was, offering the comfort Yuri craved so badly without ever admitting it to anyone, least alone JJ.

JJ sighed, head bumping against the locker. “I could at least try?” he offered, strangely calm and not sounding arrogant at all so that Yuri was briefly tempted to turn his head to catch a glimpse of his face. He didn’t. “Who else is here?” JJ asked, rather to himself. “Victor? He probably has not even noticed that you are missing.”

Most obviously not, Yuri had to agree slightly hurt, with Victor having eyes only for that damn Katsudon. He knew it, had always hated it; hearing it from JJ only hurt all the more.

JJ went on. “Yakov?”

Yakov probably _was_ missing Yuri, but Yuri was in no mood to deal with Yakov. Not today, tomorrow probably not either. “Hell no!” Yuri snapped, glaring into the emptiness of the room.

“See? Your options are limited, Plisetsky.”

For the first time, Yuri turned his head, looking at JJ’s face in bewilderment from under tear-stained lashes. “Don’t call me that,” Yuri said barely audible, shifting a few inches away from JJ, so that JJ arm slipped off Yuri’s shoulders.

JJ immediately moved after him. “Yura? Yuri? What would you prefer?” He sounded strangely sincere.

It was the first time they were talking with each other, like _really_ talking with each other, Yuri thought, not throwing insults and teasing remarks at each other’s heads just to win the competition of this year’s greatest asshole.

“Both is okay,” Yuri sobbed, wiping the dampness from his face, nevertheless surprised how he had managed to choke out a word at all.

“It’s not only the ranking that bothers you,” JJ observed, and there was nothing Yuri could argue against that, because it was so painfully true that fresh tears ran down his cheeks again. His shoulders began to shake, guilt and misery shadowing his eye until JJ reached out again, carefully and with a good amount of hesitation as if he tried to touch a frightened dog.

Yuri nodded, allowing the strange yet comforting touch this time, too weak to fight the touch; too exhausted to pretend to be the greatest asshole alive; too tired to struggle against what felt wrong yet so incredibly right at the same time. Talking did help, Yuri had to agree, even if right now it meant talking to JJ.

What had he to lose, after having lost everything that was dear to him – and so much more tonight already?

_Not much._

After that painful realization Yuri confessed everything, the words spilling from his tear swollen lips like a waterfall restrained by artificial walls way too long. He told JJ about not being able to sleep anymore, suffering from anxiety attacks late at night, that he had dreamt of all the failures, even of those which had not yet happened. “It is place eight, isn’t it?” he mumbled some when in between, never having heard of the final ranking down here. Unashamed he continued to speak about the problems he had with Katsuki and Victor being that special, gross way in front of him, told him how much he hated the world itself, about pain, and loss, and heart-break, his fingers twisting with the cords of JJ’s hoodie back and forth all the while he spoke. For the sake of completeness he didn’t even leave the struggle with his own sexuality out; being an underage minor, a famous underage minor who was openly gay was out of question in Russia. He wasn’t even entirely convinced if he was gay, or rather bisexual, or pansexual, and figured it actually did not quite matter. Not for himself at least. JJ, who was openly bisexual, agreed. By the time Yuri was done, he was a quivering mess in JJ’s embrace, streaks of tears staining JJ’s sweater.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri mumbled, observing the mess he had created.

“Sometimes we all need to remind ourselves that we are humans,” JJ answered, pulling Yuri close.

Realizing that JJ’s arm now somehow rested around his waist, Yuri tensed out of reflex. He hated people touching him. “Hush,” JJ said softly as if he was speaking to a frightened animal, interpreting Yuri’s thoughts correctly. Instead of letting go, he tightened the hold he had on Yuri with one arm, whilst he wiped the tears away with his other hand, using the sleeve of his jumper. “It’s fine. We all have these moments.”

Yuri doubted that Victor ever had these moments, doubted that Chris had them too, kept wondering all the more that JJ openly admitted to him that he had them occasionally. JJ, with all his breathtaking confidence, a mess plagued by anxiety? It was hard to imagine. Well, if Yuri was honest he truly had no idea who JJ was outside the rink, having never even bothered to talk to him when they met on some event after the competitions. All the years it had been a mutual agreement between them both.

Tentatively, JJ reached out. “May I?” he inquired, his voice sounding strangely insecure. His fingertips brushed against Yuri’s back, touching him in a way that made him shiver.

 _‘Damn it, why did something so wrong feel so incredibly right?’_ Yuri asked himself, then glared at JJ. He simply had to, even if it did not quite match how he felt just before he nodded, lowering his eyes; JJ wasn’t going to eat him alive, he kept telling himself, nor was he playing with him, and that realization came as a surprise.   

Yuri didn’t speak after that, neither did JJ. Perhaps JJ spoke, but not with words. Yet another surprise for Yuri:  he hadn’t thought JJ was capable of shutting up for even a minute. Apparently he was.

JJ’s fingers trailed along Yuri’s spine, up and down, drawing straight lines or circling motions until Yuri began to relax visibly to the touch. What JJ did made him think of was his grandfather, thousands of miles away,  who never grew tired to hold him just for comfort, touched him in just the same way as JJ did right now. Yuri sniffed, memories mingling with the present, making everything worse. Fuck, what he would give to have his grandpa around now. The tremor came with no warning, shaking him to the core despite the soothing motions of JJ’s hand. He loved his grandfather, had always loved and cherished him, and damn it, he terribly missed him. In fact, Yuri always missed him, yet now more than ever. Unsurprisingly, JJ stopped, questioningly looking at Yuri with his impressive eyes – a dark blue, appearing to be almost black from the weird angle Yuri looked back at him, holding his gaze. Tiny streaks of silver disrupted the monotony, just as the silver streams of moonlight pierce through the starless night. They were beautiful, Yuri realized, and with that his own eyes grew wide.

“I’m sorry,” JJ mumbled, “do you wish me to stop?”

Yuri blinked in confusion, mostly because of his own weird thoughts, then glanced at JJ again just before he shook his head, face glowing red from embarrassment. He didn’t want JJ to stop; saying so was close to the impossible, and therefore Yuri was grateful that his gesture was encouragement enough for JJ to continue.

Regaining control of himself after tonight’s disaster was hard for Yuri. It took a good while, and he was convinced his sobs would have never ceased without JJ being around, without being comforted by the soothing touches and the warmth emanating from JJ’s body.

As odd as it might be, and as much as he hated to admit it, for once JJ’s voice did exactly the contrary to what it usually did – it didn’t spark an argument, no, it didn’t make him hiss like an angered cat. Instead it soothed Yuri, bone-deep and persistently, although he did not understand a single word of what JJ said. JJ talked in his strongly accented French to him, susurrating whispers against the crown of his head, strangely beautiful. It lured Yuri’s mind into a world of peace. Maybe it was for the better he did not understand it, because usually only nonsense came out of JJ’s mouth, or subtle insults. Yuri had to keep telling that to himself each time the gentle touches felt too intense, just to keep his pretense alive. There had not been an insult, not a single one this day, and Yuri knew he perhaps should revise his opinion on JJ.

Holding his breath, trying not to let JJ hear how fast his heart was beating, Yuri feigned disinterest, although his thoughts swirled in his mind like snowflakes through the frosty night. But he did not move, nor did he flinch, not even when JJ’s fingers flattened and ran over his golden hair, down his ears and neck, withdrawing only to repeat what he was doing. It felt good, it felt incredibly good, so good that Yuri’s eyes closed in the process of it.

Eventually, Yuri’s sobs trailed away to normal crying against JJ’s shoulder, and even that ceased and he fell completely silent. Until then, he had not realized how cold he was, fingers already stiff, being so occupied to fight his internal misery and his conflicting thoughts. It was cold in the room, no wonder he was freezing, basically wearing nothing.

“You’re shivering,” commented JJ, leaning away from the lockers to free himself from the zipped hoodie he was wearing, blood red with an ugly white maple leaf stitched on it right over JJ’s heart. A moment later, the hoodie was placed around Yuri’s shoulders, with JJ’s scarf around Yuri’s neck to follow. Why he let it happen, Yuri couldn’t say, mesmerized to discover yet another new side of JJ, burying his nose deep in the fabric of the scarf, letting go of the breath he was holding all the while.

Why he even allowed JJ to move his body until he was sitting on JJ’s thighs, Yuri could not explain, either, but with ease JJ repositioned him. “All the hoodies will not help if the floor is cold,” commented JJ absently, focusing to shift Yuri’s lithe body in his lap until both seemed comfortable with the position.

“True,” Yuri muttered, half glaring at JJ for moments, unsure about what else to do, before he decided to settle against JJ shoulder again. It had felt okay-ish; with okay-ish being Yuri’s way of saying he liked it. Not that he would ever say so aloud. No. When he stopped to wriggle his body until he was comfortable enough, JJ’s hands resumed what they did earlier.

Yuri hated what JJ did, truly.

No – not really. He wasn’t good at lying.

That it felt good Yuri hated all the more, he thought to himself.

He wasn’t good at thinking, either: not when such conflicting thoughts made his head spin like a Ferris wheel, with bursts of colors dancing across his closed lids as Auroras dance across the northern sky as JJ kissed the crown of his head.

A day ago Yuri wished to wrap his hands around JJ’s throat and watch the life drain out of his eyes.

And now? Rather not.

Yuri felt conflicted. It was so weird, and Yuri knew it was weird, but he just couldn’t help it?

It somehow felt unnatural to pretend to be unmoved by such kindness, even if it meant to acknowledge the fact that it was JJ’s.

He sighed, burying his face deeper in JJ’s shoulder, his nose still hidden in the scarf which smelled so intensely of JJ’s perfume, pretending that his left arm wasn’t resting on JJ’s back. Admitting it would mean to move it, and so Yuri didn’t. Actually neither of them moved for long moments, until Yuri’s occasional sobs turned into rare hiccups as he relaxed under JJ’s hand, which persistently stroked his golden curls.

With a sonorous sigh of exhaustion, Yuri closed his eyes again. Everything JJ did was for pure comfort he kept telling himself, kept telling even as his free arm sneaked around JJ’s waist to complete the perfect embrace. For once, JJ had the dignity to remain silent, although Yuri would give everything to be able to read JJ’s thoughts right then.

Instead of speaking, JJ returned to place kisses to Yuri’s head just as he had done before, with the little difference that now his lips began to wander; from the crown of Yuri’s head towards the side, close to his ear, way too close to his ear.

_For comfort._

The way JJ breathed, soft and comforting, completely at ease with everything he did, warm air hushing along his skin made Yuri shiver; the way JJ spoke to him in those words Yuri didn’t understand but came to love nevertheless; the way his fingers wiped another stray tear from his burning cheek.

_For comfort, because I’m freezing, because I am an emotional mess._

“Why?” The word was out before Yuri knew it, and in the process of being awe-struck of having found his voice back somehow, he looked up just in the moment as JJ decided to move his face down. Their mouths, both half opened in surprise, brushed together for a split second, noses nudging due to the awkward angle – and then the moment was gone, leaving Yuri’s mind flying in a way he had never felt before.

The contact had not lasted more than a split second, a quick and awkward press of mouths, entirely accidently that is. Still Yuri felt the taste of JJ’s lips linger, recalled the dampness he had felt.

They stared at each other in bewilderment, equally flustered, with eyes wide and mouths hanging open, both being at a loss of what to say.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” JJ said at last, watching Yuri closely.

It appeared to Yuri as if JJ tried to decipher the look on his face, hoping he didn’t manage with all that was dear to him. Yuri, arms still tangled around JJ’s body even tried to don his most annoying face. For nothing, as he soon found out.

JJ quirked an eye-brow at him, and Yuri saw how JJ’s face transformed. “Oh good lord. Boy, you liked that.” JJ sounded genuinely surprised, smiling a smile that was so unlike everything Yuri had ever seen on JJ’s face. It was neither arrogant nor cocky, it was honest – and incredibly beautiful.

“No,” Yuri stated out of reflex even if he didn’t feel like it, the words emanating his lie. He was deduced easily, he knew, as JJ’s smile only grew. Embarrassment crept up Yuri’s head; he had to look away.

Unfortunately, the vagueness of his answer only seemed to spark further interest on JJ’s side. “Want me to do it again?” JJ asked in that voice that was so typical for him, fingers sweeping across Yuri’s burning cheek, before they came below Yuri’s chin, lifting Yuri’s head until their eyes met.

On any other occasion, Yuri would have batted JJ’s hand away. “No,” repeated Yuri, running a shaking hand through his golden hair as he always did when being nervous.

Then Yuri fell silent, wondering why he always had to fight, even when he did not feel like fighting. Because hell, JJ had offered the comfort he so desperately needed, his lips against his own had made him feel as good as he hadn’t felt in months. Still caught in his inner conflict, Yuri swallowed, blinking at JJ in confusion. What was he supposed to do? At the age of 16 Yuri was still a virgin in every imaginable way.

“Don’t tell anyone!” Yuri couldn’t put into words just how much he wanted JJ to do it again, something akin to ‘properly’ following under his breath. It was insane, really; just thinking about it again made his stomach go squirmy, and he was glad that this time JJ didn’t answer him, at least not in his ordinary way.

Without hesitation JJ leant forward and closed the gap between their faces, his mouth pressing against Yuri’s, careful at first, perhaps too careful in the fear to scare Yuri away. When Yuri didn’t flinch, JJ opened his mouth just a little bit to experimentally lick along Yuri’s lip, and good gracious! **_That_** made Yuri squirm, in a good sort of ways. Despite that it felt – well, strange – Yuri didn’t back out, rather wondered what he was supposed to do with his own mouth. He had no idea, not quite at least, so he simply mimicked JJ’s movements, opening his mouth to him so insecurely that he hated himself for it. The angle was a weird one, true enough, still, damn it! It felt good. Incredibly good. As Yuri parted his lips further, JJ’s fingers trailed from his collar-bone along his throat, until Yuri’s head tipped backwards, resulting in an angle of their faces that was by far more comfortable.

 _Fuck!_ The intensity of their tongues touching for a second made Yuri almost jump in JJ’s lap, withdrawing his mouth accidently.

“You liked that?” JJ asked, holding Yuri’s gaze.

It was so fucking intense that Yuri felt as if his entire body was set on fire.

Yuri nodded, shifting in JJ’s lap until he straddled him and they were truly face to face. Though he hoped to radiate confidence instead of nervousness he didn’t, biting his lower lip as he always did when nervous.

“You liked it _that_ much?” JJ’s voice was humorous, but not mocking as probably Yuri had it expected to be. JJ was beautiful, had always been beautiful in his annoying arrogance, yet to Yuri it appeared as if he truly saw him in an entirely different light. He was even more beautiful, when he dared to look closely, losing himself in the starry night JJ’s eyes resembled.

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid, Yuri.” (*)

It was so painfully true! And more importantly, it was a quote his grandfather often used, hearing it from JJ was yet another surprise. Yuri never knew, never suspected that JJ could hold an interest in classic Russian literature.

Again, Yuri found himself nodding, then smiled, for the first time today. Faintly, yes, but it was unmistakably there. “You don’t seem surprised? By me… liking it?” he asked, finding his voice again, still being short of breath.

“I am, Yura,” JJ confessed, lifting a hand to Yuri’s face, adding “and I feel honored.” JJ’s eyes held Yuri’s own, almost fiercely, and it provoked a sensation that stole through Yuri so unlike everything he had ever felt; it left him strangely vulnerable – and aroused.

“Shut up,” Yuri said, taking the initiative this time by arching his back until their lips were upon each other again. JJ’s hands wandered down to the small of Yuri’s back, pulling him close against him as carefully as if he was made out of porcelain.

“Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I can’t be handled like a man.” The words sounded strange to Yuri’s ears. Better not to talk, then, he decided before he sucked experimentally at JJ’s lower lip, wondering from where that weird outburst had come from. He had zero experience with kissing, being quite soon at a loss of what to do.

“Oh boy,” JJ sighed against Yuri’s lips, fingers now tangled in Yuri’s hair, then added, chuckling, “just let me make up for my mistake.” For once, Yuri was okay to deal with a touch of JJ’s usual cockiness, because to see his eyes spark in excitement was exorbitantly beautiful.  

When JJ caught Yuri’s face between his hands, his mouth upon Yuri’s own, Yuri nearly fell backwards from the intensity of how JJ kissed him, then; hard and rough, and full of unspoken promises, in a way Yuri had never imagined it in his wildest dreams, just before he slowed down a bit, giving Yuri the time to catch his breath. It felt good; it actually _was_ good, so good that his eyes closed, although Yuri might have killed if anybody said he would find solace in JJ’s arms. 

A broken moan echoed from Yuri’s mouth as JJ let his tongue slide against Yuri’s lips before their mouths moved against each other and Yuri’s hands sneaked around JJ’s neck in a fit of boldness, then into JJ’s hair. The longer strands felt soft between his fingers, but it was rather the short undercut JJ had that piqued Yuri’s interest; experimentally he brushed his fingers back and forth against the razor-sharp edge, smiling when quite obviously JJ reacted to his touch. For Yuri it was all – or nothing. When he hated, it was with every fiber of his being, and he wondered if it was the same with love. He wished to be protected, wished for somebody who would take care of him, and make him happy, erasing the loneliness of his life full of troubles. But JJ? He just didn’t know, and he wished he wouldn’t be thinking at all.

_Fucking weirdo._

The thoughts were wiped from Yuri’s mind when JJ’s hands twine with Yuri’s own, still splayed somewhere against the back of JJ’s head; it was sensual, and hot, and – so affectionate? Arousing all the more. Now, Yuri couldn’t think. Could barely breathe as JJ devoured his mouth so obscenely, just the way Victor always did with Katsuki. He hated to see that, and yet, and yet… he kissed JJ just the same way, pressing his body against him. For goodness sake, perhaps he should bring himself to care if JJ noticed what was going on with his body – most likely JJ did, as hardly a sheet of paper fit between them, however, Yuri could not be bothered as little streaks of color, bright pink and green and orange, danced across his eyelids. Was this what it felt like to let down your last defenses? To trust somebody? Yuri mused instead, letting his tongue explore JJ’s mouth, much to JJ’s vocal delight.

They kissed for a little while longer before Yuri pulled back slightly, his lips and cheeks flushed red, both from arousal and embarrassment. He couldn’t quite believe that JJ had kissed him, that he had kissed JJ back – that he had actually initiated it, and now was straddling him.

“Hold me?” asked Yuri, torn between what he wanted. “Please?” He was quite certain that JJ had never even come close to hear that word from him; he was even more certain that without his recent failure they’d still go about their normal business, at best ignoring each other – which would be a pity, Yuri admitted. In the process of his thoughts, Yuri curled himself up in JJ’s lap again, head falling against his shoulder just as it had been before. Still it was different with JJ’s hands running up and down his sides, with his own fingers ghosting against the skin which wasn’t covered by JJ’s costume; with Yuri glancing upwards every now and then, begging for a kiss in silence.

“I need to go,” Yuri said after a while, apologetic to disturb the peaceful silence. He had to, being afraid to make everything worse with Yakov by hiding much longer. Truth was: he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to let go of JJ, not at all, because for the first time this year he felt truly at peace with himself and the world.

“I know,” sighed JJ, carding both hands through Yuri’s hair a last time before he let go of Yuri. As much as he did not want to, Yuri entangled himself from JJ and stood up, legs stiff. Almost shyly he bent down again to kiss JJ on his lips, wondering if that was it now, before he turned around and made for the door. There was nothing Yuri hated more than goodbyes; despite his young age he had had his fair share already.

“Yura,” JJ said, waiting for Yuri to turn around again, adding when Yuri did, “my scarf. And my hoodie. I doubt you want to wear it in public when it’s so obvious to whom it belongs.”

“Oh.” Yuri sounded surprised. Actually he was surprised, because a couple of hours ago he had thought JJ would let him waltz out into the crowd like this for the simple fact to humiliate him. He was glad he was proven wrong, because rumor was something that thrived in any closed environment, especially when there was, like here, the slightest bit of truth to it. He didn’t need the gossip as a cherry on top of the cake of failure.

Yuri shrugged out of the jacket, walking back towards where JJ still sat on the floor, smiling and looking up at him. “Thank you,” Yuri said, meaning it in every way the words could be interpreted, handing the hoodie back to JJ whilst the scarf was still wrapped around his neck.

“The scarf .. may I keep it?” Yuri asked, hands twitching at his sides.

JJ’s eyes went wide, Yuri observed, regretting he had asked, and then JJ smiled all the more, “Yeah, sure. Keep it as long as you want.”

There was silence with both of them staring at the other yet again, not knowing what to say. Apparently JJ wasn’t good at such things either, Yuri noticed, genuinely surprised. JJ being at a loss of what to say was not something he had ever thought to witness, and when a day ago he would have rubbed his hands in glee, right now, he did not.

“Do you want me to come over later?” asked JJ after a pause stretching too long to be casual. He tried to sound as calm as possible, when it was obvious to Yuri that he wasn’t at all, something working behind those astonishingly blue eyes.

 _‘Yes, please. I don’t want to be alone.’_ Yuri didn’t say that. “No.” It was one of those special no’s Yuri was infamous for, those translating to “Yeah, go ahead. But don’t tell anyone.”

“Are you staying at the Olympic Village, tiger?”

He should probably be annoyed about the tiger, at least pretend to be annoyed. It was inconsiderate. Instead, and despite the stupid anxiety washing over him, Yuri found himself looking forward to meeting with JJ again later.

“Yeah,” Yuri said, blinking, “complex C, room 304. After 9 pm.” That would leave him enough time to deal with Yakov.

“’See you, then,” JJ said, smiling that flawless, incredibly beautiful smile of his.

Without looking back once more, Yuri opened the door and peeked outside, making sure nobody saw him before he hushed out the room, JJ’s scarf wrapped around his neck like a trophy, tiger plushy in his hand.

 _‘Sometimes, losing does mean to win,’_ Yuri thought as he went back from where he came, rubbing his eyes until sparks of colors seemed to explode behind his eyelids the same way it had been when he had kissed JJ.

And then Yuri smiled. Properly this time.

*

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 6\. I just thought that quote of R. Dahl perfectly fitted this scene - that's why it is here. 7. In regard to (*), "Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid", which is a direct quote from Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Seriously, I never saw JJ quoting Dostoyevsky coming. NEVER. Yet it fits so well? And the more I think about it, the more quotes I come up with that fit for JJurio 8. Thx to my beta reader @avengercastiel on tumblr 9. Thx for all the gorgeous fanart on twitter that cheered me up. 10. Also: THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT I RECEIVED ON TWITTER <3\. You probably know who you are 11. [ Crossposted to tumblr](https://foolsonice.tumblr.com/post/157871848828/phosphenes-written-for-pliroyweek-2017-day-2) 12\. Feedback would be lovely and totally awesome <3
> 
> I am on tumblr, feel free to say hi: [feanope](http://feanope.tumblr.com) for personal fandom mess, or [foolsonice](http://foolsonice.tumblr.com) for 100% YOI, or for some love on JJ [jjbekism](http://jjbekism.tumblr.com) (yes, that trashy jj/otabek blogis mine)


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